you say sink or swim, what a cruel cruel phrase

It's always my big mouth. I don't tell secrets ever. But I'm one of those filterless people. Know me long enough and I will utterly offend you without meaning to and often without being sure of why whatever I said was so mean in the first place. That is, of course, if you are lucky enough to befriend me without first getting to see the cold side of me. I'm not that nice of a person in the abstract.

But I will cook you dinner and give you rides. I'll take you to all my favorite places, I'll give you my bed to sleep in and I'll call you on your birthday and I'll remember your favorite pastries and make you pies. I am actually very sweet, it's just that the outside is cold and hard, and I'm shy in person and not all that interested in making small talk.

Things fly out of my mouth. My emotions are all over my face. I am always very challenged by working for other people/ Why is it that I should care about your goals and dreams? How is this worth my valuable time? Beyond paying me you need to win me over, and then I'm quite loyal. However it's rare. I have a short fuse and I'm smart and I get bored. I vent my frustrations before working on a project with a clean conscience unmindful of the fact that my frustrations are then carried by others. I'm not big on complimenting people and rarely do it. I'm hard to impress. I'd usually rather be reading a book.

I got in trouble at work today. Well all of us did but then the focus came down on me. Not too sure exactly what the ramifications will be but it's very hard to deal with. I give everything I have every day at work and most of the time the hard work is unacknowledged and only the problems are picked out. In that situation it's difficult for me to remain positive and to find something left to give. I've got to try to keep the things that irk me to myself and be a better employee, or give up and do my own thing.

I'm really tired of falling into the same unhappinesses. I'm tired of moving through jobs. I don't handle criticism well. I disengage. I think that if I weren't flawed in these ways I'd have a smoother, less stressed life. This side of my personality is all wrong for kitchens. As for most things.

But the part of me that's mostly me, where if I'm going to be working I wanna work and work hard, dammit, where I come in and do my job and get my hands dirty and work hard all day long with barely five minutes to sit and eat something that isn't sweet, where I sleep little and have basically no social life and am fast and efficient, that part does all right.

Frustrated with myself. And how I always want to be a better person faster. Note to self, let go of expectations of your self and of others.