Monday, August 27, 2007

things we did + didn't say

There are a lot of things I want to say right now but I can't (some of them I just said in an email).

5.13 miles tonight on foot from the Ferry Building basically to home, because I didn't really feel like getting on any of the early BARTs and then by the time I hit Civic Center Vas Ness wasn't much further up or Mission and I could always catch a bus, only if I was at 13 then my home wasn't all that much further away plus now I could see it, that odd hill with the misshapen trees on top that look like some African safari landscape, the fog still holding off. By the time I arrived home the fog was coming down moving fast now.

3.92 miles each way on my bike Friday night (from the hillside through the Mission's flatness eke across Market zigzag around the Lower Haight hills suddenly all the way down Fell cruise the Panhandle for some time and then turn around, in reverse, stopping by Bi Rite for ice cream on the way home)

I put so much energy out in my last post about what I want and what I'm looking for and so many responses came back from the world. But the words to discuss it I can't find or I can't say so I've been restless. Moving not in straight lines. Right now is the quiet time, I understand it even if I don't want to accept it. Waiting for the results of all that energy to manifest in the form of, if not the ideal, something closer.

{I thought I knew what the ideal was but it is not to come to me now, in the most commonsense way, so then what?}

How did I forget that part, that it is my weakness I am impatient for change? That I want to be better yesterday?

And what I enjoy is this: the moment when a question arises or a subject. Buttercreams. Caramel. How to stir ganache. Whatever. And then everybody gives their answers taught to them by some chef or boss or food television personality, who knows. It's a dialogue, a debate, certainly learning. But I don't want to take the authoritative voice or be the center of attention and so I don't call myself teacher.

There is one more this I want to say but it's best not to say it. Exercising my rarely if ever used filter.

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